In this episode, wedives deep into the complex world of narcissistic manipulation, shining a light on the subtle yet destructive tactics used by narcissists to control and undermine their victims.
From gaslighting and triangulation to coercive control and isolation, we unpack each strategy, providing you with the knowledge needed to identify these manipulative behaviors in your own life.
Whether you're questioning the dynamics of a challenging relationship or seeking support to heal from psychological scars, this episode offers a comprehensive guide to understanding, confronting, and overcoming the impact of narcissistic abuse.
Tune in to empower yourself with awareness and start the journey toward healing and reclaiming your freedom.
If you're looking for support in your journey towards recovery, book a call with me HERE.
Send a screenshot of your podcast review and I'll share a supportive Resource to help you overcome narcissistic manipulation! Email it to corissa@corissastepp.com or DM me on IG @corissastepp.
________________________
Corissa is a Somatic Trauma-Informed Relationship Coach™ & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist ™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.
Book a FREE 30-minute Confidential Clarity Call HERE.
Ways to connect with Corissa:
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Website: www.corissastepp.com
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We'd love to hear what you think so leave a voice message on our Podcast Website. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, rate, review, or share it so we can reach more people!
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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful
00:00:06
Relationships podcast.
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I'm your host, carissa Stepp.
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I'm a somatic, trauma-informed coach and narcissistic abuse
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specialist.
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This is a podcast for you if you are looking to improve your
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most important relationship, the one you have with yourself, so
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you can more meaningfully and deeply connect with those around
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you.
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This podcast will equip you with valuable tools, tips and
00:00:28
tricks essential for recovering from toxic relationships and
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guide you towards cultivating healthy, fulfilling and intimate
00:00:36
connections with others.
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But first let's start with you.
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I'm so excited you're here taking this powerful step
00:00:43
forward.
00:00:43
Thank you for tuning in.
00:00:45
Now let's get to today's episode.
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Hey, hey, everyone.
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Welcome back to another episode of Stepping into Meaningful
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Relationships.
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I'm your host, carissa Stepp.
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I am very excited to be chatting with you today.
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This week we're going to be talking about narcissistic
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manipulation tactics, and we're going to be speaking about these
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especially because I think that it's important to become aware
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of, because a lot of times, these tactics are used,
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sometimes below our level of awareness, and they're designed
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to control and belittle and undermine us in these
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relationships, and they can leave these psychological scars
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right and it can cause a lot of emotional pain later on.
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So understanding these tactics is really crucial for
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understanding the dynamics number one of abuse, but also of
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these toxic relationships, so that you can go and seek the
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appropriate support.
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The first tactic is most likely the one that you are most
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familiar with, which is gaslighting.
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Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tool that a
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narcissist will use to make you doubt your own recollection of
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events that have happened.
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That will cause you to doubt your perception or even your
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sanity.
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They will deny that certain things happened.
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They might belittle your emotions or how you feel about
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something, or even take whatever your perception is of what
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happened and twist it in a way that favors whatever narrative
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they want you to believe that is going to ultimately benefit
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them and, as a result, this technique can lead you to
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feeling very confused and leave you doubting your sense of
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reality, or you might begin to doubt whether or not you're able
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to recall things properly and feel in a way that you're losing
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your mind.
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And that's all on purpose.
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The narcissist wants you to feel like you can't trust
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yourself.
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The narcissist wants you to begin to doubt your sense of
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reality, because if they get to shape and influence your
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perception of what's actually happening, then most likely
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you're not going to be able to recognize that what you're
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experiencing is the narcissist is trying to keep their power
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and their control over you.
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The next manipulation tactic is triangulation, and we see this a
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lot when the narcissist will use a third party, whether
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that's a friend or a family member or someone else, to
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validate their viewpoint or to play and pivot people against
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one another.
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Usually, this is the narcissist's way of driving a
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wedge between you and likely someone close to you, because
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the narcissist probably perceives that maybe A this
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other person can see them clearly for who they are.
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So they want to drive distance between you and this other
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person because they are afraid that they're going to influence
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your perception of the narcissist and their behavior.
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That would then cause you to see them for who they truly are.
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They sometimes will do this when they want to create some
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sort of jealousy or competition or tension in order to make you
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feel like you're a narcissist, inadequate, or make you feel
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like you don't have anyone else in your life that you can trust.
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When they can drive a wedge between the people you care
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about that are your support network and you, then it allows
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them to have greater power and influence over you, because then
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you're only relying on the narcissist to influence how you
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think, how you feel, and so they'll do this to undermine
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your relationship with other people because it's serving
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their interests in some way.
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They might even try to drive a wedge between you and your
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children as a way for you to constantly pick the narcissist
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over even your kids, on a daily basis, where you're putting the
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narcissist needs first.
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Again, the narcissist is going to use triangulation as a way to
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maybe even incite jealousy within you, because if you are
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jealous of, say, the narcissist's relationship with a
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third party, then that means you're going to try even harder
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to win the narcissist's favor.
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You're going to try even harder to keep the narcissist in the
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relationship by going above and beyond to serve their needs, to
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maybe boost their ego.
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You might love them more, or love them harder, or try harder
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in the relationship.
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They also might try to create this competition between whether
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or not you're giving the narcissist more attention than
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this other person in your life.
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And they do that because, again , they want to keep all of your
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energy, your focus, your attention, your love on them,
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because they need it in order to feel safe, because the
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narcissist has a big fear of abandonment.
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The narcissist is deeply insecure, and so if you put all
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your time and attention into them, then they feel number one
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secure, but number two, they feel more important than other
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people.
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So the narcissist is going to use this triangulation in order
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to continue to get and secure and maintain their narcissistic
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supply.
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Another tactic of the narcissist is coercive control.
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Coercive control is a pattern that we've talked about before
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in the podcast when we had Jennifer Parker on where we
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discussed in depth coercive relationships.
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Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that seeks to take
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away your ability to number one make decisions for yourself.
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It attempts to restrict your civil rights to come and go as
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you please, to spend time with whomever you want.
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They might even be trying to control what you wear or how you
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look, and it could even come down to managing and controlling
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finances, where they no longer allow you to make decisions
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around how money is spent or invested.
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The narcissist will justify this type of behavior as them
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being very concerned or very caring.
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It might look like they're very protective over you.
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A narcissist might also use the tactic of isolation, so
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triangulation can kind of play into this too.
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Right, the whole, I think, end goal of triangulation is number
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one yes, to get the narcissist's needs met and their ego boosted
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and for them to feel secure, but it also can be this
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underlying motivation to isolate you from people that you are
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close to, so they're going to look to do whatever they can to
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manipulate you into spending less time with the people that
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you care about.
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They want to literally separate you from the supportive
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relationships that you have in your life, and this could be
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achieved by maybe causing you to have to move far away from your
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loved ones.
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It might look like criticizing your close relationships and
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making you question whether or not these other people have your
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best interests at heart, because perhaps maybe the
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narcissist is letting you know that they are the only ones who
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know what's best for you.
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They're the only ones who really love you or really care
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about you or really see you for who you are, or love you for all
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of who you are, whereas these other people in your life don't.
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They might also try to monopolize your time, so this is
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also part of the isolation tactic, where they might, before
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you're going out to spend time with friends, they might pitch a
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big fit and make you feel really guilty as a result, cause
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you to then make the decision that you're not going to go out
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with your friends because you feel bad.
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You feel bad that you have maybe hurt their feelings, or
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maybe you feel so much guilt that you feel like, oh, I can't
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leave my partner at home because they have nothing to do.
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And this is really selfish of me to want to go out and be with
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my friends while they're at home alone.
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And the narcissist is going to play into that narrative and
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they're going to just keep reaffirming that so that you
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start to eventually spend less and less time with family or
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friends.
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And that's all on purpose because, again, we all need
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supportive relationships in our lives and if you are no longer
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maintaining those relationships because the narcissist has
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manipulated you to let those go or to place a distance between
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you and the supportive people in your life, your support network
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, then they have more influence, they have more control.
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The narcissist might also use the silent treatment.
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This is an emotionally abusive behavior, because if the
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narcissist is using the silent treatment to withhold emotional
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support, or the narcissist is using the silent treatment to
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punish you for something that maybe you did, and maybe what
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you did was just merely set a boundary, or maybe you spoke up
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for yourself, or maybe you challenged the narcissist in
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some way, where now they feel threatened.
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So, as a result, they ignore you, they freeze you out, they
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refuse to speak to you and typically the silent treatment
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will last for hours to even days , it could even be months,
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depending on the relationship, where they will not even
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acknowledge your presence and, as a result, the reason why they
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keep doing this is because they feel like they have power and
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they have control.
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Then, if they're not acknowledging you, if they're
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not providing you with emotional support, you might be thinking
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well, what did I do wrong?
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It might encourage you to even apologize for something that you
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didn't even do.
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It might encourage you to try harder in the relationship to
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try and make them happy again, to get them to stop ignoring you
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.
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But really their whole purpose is to inflict this emotional
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pain on you and regain that control.
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Because if you are a person that tends to over apologize or
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is maybe naturally a little bit more submissive, then using this
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tactic of the silent treatment enables the narcissist to regain
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that control over you after some sort of confrontation or
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conflict or when they are acting in a way that they don't
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approve of or agree with, or where they feel threatened.
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Then there is projection.
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This is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist will begin
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to accuse you of their own that's precipitate actions or
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their own behaviors or their own feelings or their own patterns
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of behavior or traits.
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So, as an example of you know, maybe a narcissist is a
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compulsive liar and, as a result , they start to project out onto
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you that you're always lying, that you're the compulsive liar,
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or maybe that you were the narcissist right.
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So they will deflect the blame and make you question your
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actions and your feelings, which is going to lead to more guilt
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and confusion, so that they can control you.
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This projection is sometimes also called deflect and reverse
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victim and offender.
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What that means is the narcissist will shift the blame,
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even if it's something that they did wrong.
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They will shift the blame to you and then act like they are
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the victim and you are the offender, which makes you
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question your reality.
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It might make you question your feelings about what happened or
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question whether or not what happened really happened.
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And if you're someone again who is very quick to apologize and
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accept responsibility, well then that works in favor for the
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narcissist.
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The narcissist loves that, because then they never have to
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take accountability, because you're taking all of it all the
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time.
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Then there are the flying monkeys, and this is a term that
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is obviously borrowed from the movie the Wizard of Oz, where
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the narcissist will manipulate other people to carry out or
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enact their agenda.
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Flying monkey oftentimes is trying to get the validation or
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approval of the narcissist.
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So again, there's a power imbalance in this relationship.
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The narcissist will act like, perhaps, the victim and, as a
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result, the flying monkey feels bad and they want to help.
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So what they might do is they might try and gather information
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, either from you directly or people close to you, and they
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will be the ones who will start spreading this gossip of
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whatever it is that the narcissist has told them about
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you that is factually incorrect, and, as a result, the flying
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monkey will then also attack the victim indirectly.
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They're pointing the finger at you as opposed to realizing and
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recognizing that the stories that they have been told by the
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narcissist are either inaccurate or that they've been
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manipulated by the narcissist as well.
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So now, with these flying monkeys, not only is the
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narcissist abusing you, this abuse now extends beyond that
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relationship by involving other people, which continues to then
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further isolate and undermine you.
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This also goes hand in hand with smear campaigns.
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This is where the narcissist is going to be spreading some
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false and exaggerated and inaccurate information about you
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to friends and family or acquaintances.
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This could happen in a workplace, and this usually
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happens after the relationship has either ended or there's been
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some big confrontation, or maybe you have tried to leave
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the relationship or tried to end the relationship.
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The narcissist is going to then try to discredit you and gain
00:15:10
the sympathy of other people again, acting like the victim,
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to control the narrative, to make it look like they're the
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ones who are being hurt by you, that they're the ones who are
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the victims in this, that they did nothing wrong, that they are
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the model citizen, the model partner, the model father, the
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model employee.
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So when smear campaigns happen and when there is this addition
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of the flying monkeys to carry out the smear campaign, it just
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compounds the abuse and then ultimately, the trauma that you
00:15:48
might experience from this narcissistic relationship.
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It could leave you feeling like you don't know who to trust,
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because these flying monkeys that the narcissist is going to
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bring in are oftentimes the people that are potentially
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closest to you, or it might be the spouse of someone very close
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to you.
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They find another way to infiltrate your inner circle
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through their own relationships or through people that are maybe
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once removed but close enough that it's going to get back to
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you or that it's going to isolate you away from the people
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that are closest to you.
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And then, of course, the whole abuse cycle in general is a
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manipulation in and of itself.
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The love bombing that happens during the idealization phase is
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manipulative.
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The devaluation phase is manipulative because you're
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being criticized and belittled and undermined, and so that
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cycle of like the love bombing or idealization and the
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devaluation is a cycle that just continues where you become
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hopeful for the return of the affection to partner that you
00:16:53
once knew.
00:16:53
That's also manipulation.
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So I hope that this helps bring a little bit of awareness
00:16:59
around some of the tactics that a narcissist uses, so that you
00:17:03
can be more aware of when it's happening and how to get the
00:17:08
support that you need.
00:17:10
Sometimes, when we start to experience, especially like that
00:17:13
smear campaign and the flying monkeys and all of that, it does
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cause us to isolate.
00:17:18
So a lot of these are kind of go hand in hand.
00:17:21
If the narcissist is engaging in a smear campaign and they are
00:17:25
enlisting flying monkeys and they are using isolation tactic
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on top of it, or they're involving a third party
00:17:33
specifically over and over again , right that triangulation to
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drive that wedge.
00:17:37
Then the trauma that we can experience from that level of
00:17:42
abuse, when it is coming at us from so many different angles,
00:17:46
can cause a deep sense of loss, a loss of trust in others, in
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ourselves, and it can be really damaging to our self worth, to
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our sense of love ability.
00:18:00
Our circle of supportive relationships of our network
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continues to grow smaller and smaller and smaller.
00:18:09
So it's really important to be aware of these things so that
00:18:12
you're not left struggling alone , so that you can set boundaries
00:18:17
in your relationships, so that you can have the confidence and
00:18:22
the courage to have assertive conversations with people who
00:18:27
begin to engage in this type of manipulation right, and it's not
00:18:31
even that they're manipulative, they're being manipulated to
00:18:35
then act in the way in which they are towards you, and it's
00:18:38
happening below their level of awareness as well.
00:18:40
So you know, maybe at some point, once some distance and
00:18:45
time has gone by, maybe you can repair those relationships with
00:18:47
that person If they are able to recognize that they were also
00:18:52
being manipulated, and having compassion for them as well.
00:18:55
And I know that that might seem really hard, especially if you
00:18:59
are feeling really hurt.
00:19:00
It can be very hard because most likely you're going to feel
00:19:04
very angry about what has happened and angry that this
00:19:09
person that you thought knew you so well or that loved you so
00:19:13
much, or that has been a part of your life for so long and knows
00:19:16
you almost better than most other people in your life.
00:19:19
It can be really disappointing when they start to believe the
00:19:23
lies that the narcissist is feeding them.
00:19:26
So, understanding that that doesn't mean you have to keep
00:19:29
that person in your life.
00:19:30
You can need to maybe set some boundaries with those people
00:19:33
that are being manipulated and not sharing with them personal
00:19:38
or vulnerable information that you know is going to likely get
00:19:41
back to the narcissist, who's then going to use that
00:19:43
information against you and seeking out healthy
00:19:47
relationships with people who the narcissist is not going to
00:19:52
also manipulate and separate and try to put a wedge between you
00:19:56
and them.
00:19:56
So sometimes it could be that you're just relying mostly on
00:20:00
professional relationships.
00:20:01
Right, you're a therapist, maybe a coach, maybe you come
00:20:04
into a community or group of women who understand this.
00:20:08
Come join us and strong her.
00:20:10
I don't want to sound like I'm plugging in a marketing all the
00:20:14
time.
00:20:14
But it's a great place to come and be and be surrounded by
00:20:18
people who the narcissist doesn't know.
00:20:20
So the narcissist cannot come between you and the other women
00:20:25
in the group that are going to be supportive for you, that are
00:20:29
going to be able to provide you with validation for what you're
00:20:31
experiencing and who likely have also experienced this and
00:20:36
understand it and get it and know how isolating and lonely it
00:20:41
can feel.
00:20:43
So with that everyone I hope that helps until next week Be
00:20:46
well.
00:20:46
If you're hearing this message, that means you've listened all
00:20:50
the way to the end, and for that I am truly grateful.
00:20:53
If you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable, would you
00:20:56
mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts
00:20:59
and sharing it with others?
00:21:00
If you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or
00:21:03
human design reading, you can find me on my website or on
00:21:06
social media.
00:21:06
Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future
00:21:10
episode, please DM me.
00:21:11
Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Stepping
00:21:15
into Meaningful Relationships.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful
00:00:06
Relationships podcast.
00:00:07
I'm your host, carissa Stepp.
00:00:09
I'm a somatic, trauma-informed coach and narcissistic abuse
00:00:13
specialist.
00:00:13
This is a podcast for you if you are looking to improve your
00:00:17
most important relationship, the one you have with yourself, so
00:00:21
you can more meaningfully and deeply connect with those around
00:00:24
you.
00:00:24
This podcast will equip you with valuable tools, tips and
00:00:28
tricks essential for recovering from toxic relationships and
00:00:32
guide you towards cultivating healthy, fulfilling and intimate
00:00:36
connections with others.
00:00:37
But first let's start with you.
00:00:39
I'm so excited you're here taking this powerful step
00:00:43
forward.
00:00:43
Thank you for tuning in.
00:00:45
Now let's get to today's episode.
00:00:47
Hey, hey, everyone.
00:00:53
Welcome back to another episode of Stepping into Meaningful
00:00:57
Relationships.
00:00:57
I'm your host, carissa Stepp.
00:00:59
I am very excited to be chatting with you today.
00:01:03
This week we're going to be talking about narcissistic
00:01:06
manipulation tactics, and we're going to be speaking about these
00:01:10
especially because I think that it's important to become aware
00:01:14
of, because a lot of times, these tactics are used,
00:01:18
sometimes below our level of awareness, and they're designed
00:01:24
to control and belittle and undermine us in these
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relationships, and they can leave these psychological scars
00:01:31
right and it can cause a lot of emotional pain later on.
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So understanding these tactics is really crucial for
00:01:38
understanding the dynamics number one of abuse, but also of
00:01:42
these toxic relationships, so that you can go and seek the
00:01:45
appropriate support.
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The first tactic is most likely the one that you are most
00:01:51
familiar with, which is gaslighting.
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Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tool that a
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narcissist will use to make you doubt your own recollection of
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events that have happened.
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That will cause you to doubt your perception or even your
00:02:10
sanity.
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They will deny that certain things happened.
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They might belittle your emotions or how you feel about
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something, or even take whatever your perception is of what
00:02:22
happened and twist it in a way that favors whatever narrative
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they want you to believe that is going to ultimately benefit
00:02:31
them and, as a result, this technique can lead you to
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feeling very confused and leave you doubting your sense of
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reality, or you might begin to doubt whether or not you're able
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to recall things properly and feel in a way that you're losing
00:02:48
your mind.
00:02:48
And that's all on purpose.
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The narcissist wants you to feel like you can't trust
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yourself.
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The narcissist wants you to begin to doubt your sense of
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reality, because if they get to shape and influence your
00:03:02
perception of what's actually happening, then most likely
00:03:06
you're not going to be able to recognize that what you're
00:03:09
experiencing is the narcissist is trying to keep their power
00:03:12
and their control over you.
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The next manipulation tactic is triangulation, and we see this a
00:03:20
lot when the narcissist will use a third party, whether
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that's a friend or a family member or someone else, to
00:03:29
validate their viewpoint or to play and pivot people against
00:03:36
one another.
00:03:36
Usually, this is the narcissist's way of driving a
00:03:39
wedge between you and likely someone close to you, because
00:03:43
the narcissist probably perceives that maybe A this
00:03:49
other person can see them clearly for who they are.
00:03:52
So they want to drive distance between you and this other
00:03:55
person because they are afraid that they're going to influence
00:03:59
your perception of the narcissist and their behavior.
00:04:02
That would then cause you to see them for who they truly are.
00:04:06
They sometimes will do this when they want to create some
00:04:10
sort of jealousy or competition or tension in order to make you
00:04:15
feel like you're a narcissist, inadequate, or make you feel
00:04:19
like you don't have anyone else in your life that you can trust.
00:04:23
When they can drive a wedge between the people you care
00:04:27
about that are your support network and you, then it allows
00:04:32
them to have greater power and influence over you, because then
00:04:36
you're only relying on the narcissist to influence how you
00:04:41
think, how you feel, and so they'll do this to undermine
00:04:44
your relationship with other people because it's serving
00:04:47
their interests in some way.
00:04:49
They might even try to drive a wedge between you and your
00:04:52
children as a way for you to constantly pick the narcissist
00:04:58
over even your kids, on a daily basis, where you're putting the
00:05:01
narcissist needs first.
00:05:03
Again, the narcissist is going to use triangulation as a way to
00:05:07
maybe even incite jealousy within you, because if you are
00:05:11
jealous of, say, the narcissist's relationship with a
00:05:14
third party, then that means you're going to try even harder
00:05:18
to win the narcissist's favor.
00:05:21
You're going to try even harder to keep the narcissist in the
00:05:25
relationship by going above and beyond to serve their needs, to
00:05:31
maybe boost their ego.
00:05:33
You might love them more, or love them harder, or try harder
00:05:38
in the relationship.
00:05:39
They also might try to create this competition between whether
00:05:43
or not you're giving the narcissist more attention than
00:05:46
this other person in your life.
00:05:47
And they do that because, again , they want to keep all of your
00:05:52
energy, your focus, your attention, your love on them,
00:05:57
because they need it in order to feel safe, because the
00:06:01
narcissist has a big fear of abandonment.
00:06:04
The narcissist is deeply insecure, and so if you put all
00:06:10
your time and attention into them, then they feel number one
00:06:14
secure, but number two, they feel more important than other
00:06:18
people.
00:06:18
So the narcissist is going to use this triangulation in order
00:06:24
to continue to get and secure and maintain their narcissistic
00:06:30
supply.
00:06:32
Another tactic of the narcissist is coercive control.
00:06:34
Coercive control is a pattern that we've talked about before
00:06:38
in the podcast when we had Jennifer Parker on where we
00:06:41
discussed in depth coercive relationships.
00:06:42
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that seeks to take
00:06:48
away your ability to number one make decisions for yourself.
00:06:54
It attempts to restrict your civil rights to come and go as
00:07:02
you please, to spend time with whomever you want.
00:07:05
They might even be trying to control what you wear or how you
00:07:09
look, and it could even come down to managing and controlling
00:07:13
finances, where they no longer allow you to make decisions
00:07:17
around how money is spent or invested.
00:07:20
The narcissist will justify this type of behavior as them
00:07:26
being very concerned or very caring.
00:07:28
It might look like they're very protective over you.
00:07:33
A narcissist might also use the tactic of isolation, so
00:07:37
triangulation can kind of play into this too.
00:07:39
Right, the whole, I think, end goal of triangulation is number
00:07:43
one yes, to get the narcissist's needs met and their ego boosted
00:07:47
and for them to feel secure, but it also can be this
00:07:51
underlying motivation to isolate you from people that you are
00:07:55
close to, so they're going to look to do whatever they can to
00:08:00
manipulate you into spending less time with the people that
00:08:04
you care about.
00:08:04
They want to literally separate you from the supportive
00:08:08
relationships that you have in your life, and this could be
00:08:12
achieved by maybe causing you to have to move far away from your
00:08:16
loved ones.
00:08:17
It might look like criticizing your close relationships and
00:08:21
making you question whether or not these other people have your
00:08:24
best interests at heart, because perhaps maybe the
00:08:27
narcissist is letting you know that they are the only ones who
00:08:30
know what's best for you.
00:08:31
They're the only ones who really love you or really care
00:08:35
about you or really see you for who you are, or love you for all
00:08:39
of who you are, whereas these other people in your life don't.
00:08:42
They might also try to monopolize your time, so this is
00:08:47
also part of the isolation tactic, where they might, before
00:08:51
you're going out to spend time with friends, they might pitch a
00:08:55
big fit and make you feel really guilty as a result, cause
00:09:00
you to then make the decision that you're not going to go out
00:09:03
with your friends because you feel bad.
00:09:05
You feel bad that you have maybe hurt their feelings, or
00:09:09
maybe you feel so much guilt that you feel like, oh, I can't
00:09:13
leave my partner at home because they have nothing to do.
00:09:17
And this is really selfish of me to want to go out and be with
00:09:19
my friends while they're at home alone.
00:09:21
And the narcissist is going to play into that narrative and
00:09:24
they're going to just keep reaffirming that so that you
00:09:27
start to eventually spend less and less time with family or
00:09:31
friends.
00:09:31
And that's all on purpose because, again, we all need
00:09:35
supportive relationships in our lives and if you are no longer
00:09:41
maintaining those relationships because the narcissist has
00:09:45
manipulated you to let those go or to place a distance between
00:09:48
you and the supportive people in your life, your support network
00:09:51
, then they have more influence, they have more control.
00:09:56
The narcissist might also use the silent treatment.
00:09:59
This is an emotionally abusive behavior, because if the
00:10:03
narcissist is using the silent treatment to withhold emotional
00:10:09
support, or the narcissist is using the silent treatment to
00:10:14
punish you for something that maybe you did, and maybe what
00:10:18
you did was just merely set a boundary, or maybe you spoke up
00:10:22
for yourself, or maybe you challenged the narcissist in
00:10:26
some way, where now they feel threatened.
00:10:28
So, as a result, they ignore you, they freeze you out, they
00:10:33
refuse to speak to you and typically the silent treatment
00:10:36
will last for hours to even days , it could even be months,
00:10:42
depending on the relationship, where they will not even
00:10:44
acknowledge your presence and, as a result, the reason why they
00:10:47
keep doing this is because they feel like they have power and
00:10:52
they have control.
00:10:52
Then, if they're not acknowledging you, if they're
00:10:55
not providing you with emotional support, you might be thinking
00:10:59
well, what did I do wrong?
00:11:01
It might encourage you to even apologize for something that you
00:11:04
didn't even do.
00:11:05
It might encourage you to try harder in the relationship to
00:11:09
try and make them happy again, to get them to stop ignoring you
00:11:13
.
00:11:13
But really their whole purpose is to inflict this emotional
00:11:17
pain on you and regain that control.
00:11:20
Because if you are a person that tends to over apologize or
00:11:26
is maybe naturally a little bit more submissive, then using this
00:11:29
tactic of the silent treatment enables the narcissist to regain
00:11:33
that control over you after some sort of confrontation or
00:11:37
conflict or when they are acting in a way that they don't
00:11:39
approve of or agree with, or where they feel threatened.
00:11:43
Then there is projection.
00:11:45
This is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist will begin
00:11:48
to accuse you of their own that's precipitate actions or
00:11:54
their own behaviors or their own feelings or their own patterns
00:11:58
of behavior or traits.
00:11:59
So, as an example of you know, maybe a narcissist is a
00:12:04
compulsive liar and, as a result , they start to project out onto
00:12:09
you that you're always lying, that you're the compulsive liar,
00:12:13
or maybe that you were the narcissist right.
00:12:16
So they will deflect the blame and make you question your
00:12:21
actions and your feelings, which is going to lead to more guilt
00:12:25
and confusion, so that they can control you.
00:12:28
This projection is sometimes also called deflect and reverse
00:12:33
victim and offender.
00:12:33
What that means is the narcissist will shift the blame,
00:12:39
even if it's something that they did wrong.
00:12:41
They will shift the blame to you and then act like they are
00:12:45
the victim and you are the offender, which makes you
00:12:48
question your reality.
00:12:49
It might make you question your feelings about what happened or
00:12:55
question whether or not what happened really happened.
00:12:57
And if you're someone again who is very quick to apologize and
00:13:01
accept responsibility, well then that works in favor for the
00:13:04
narcissist.
00:13:05
The narcissist loves that, because then they never have to
00:13:09
take accountability, because you're taking all of it all the
00:13:11
time.
00:13:12
Then there are the flying monkeys, and this is a term that
00:13:16
is obviously borrowed from the movie the Wizard of Oz, where
00:13:22
the narcissist will manipulate other people to carry out or
00:13:27
enact their agenda.
00:13:28
Flying monkey oftentimes is trying to get the validation or
00:13:31
approval of the narcissist.
00:13:32
So again, there's a power imbalance in this relationship.
00:13:35
The narcissist will act like, perhaps, the victim and, as a
00:13:40
result, the flying monkey feels bad and they want to help.
00:13:43
So what they might do is they might try and gather information
00:13:48
, either from you directly or people close to you, and they
00:13:54
will be the ones who will start spreading this gossip of
00:13:58
whatever it is that the narcissist has told them about
00:14:01
you that is factually incorrect, and, as a result, the flying
00:14:06
monkey will then also attack the victim indirectly.
00:14:10
They're pointing the finger at you as opposed to realizing and
00:14:15
recognizing that the stories that they have been told by the
00:14:19
narcissist are either inaccurate or that they've been
00:14:21
manipulated by the narcissist as well.
00:14:23
So now, with these flying monkeys, not only is the
00:14:28
narcissist abusing you, this abuse now extends beyond that
00:14:32
relationship by involving other people, which continues to then
00:14:37
further isolate and undermine you.
00:14:40
This also goes hand in hand with smear campaigns.
00:14:42
This is where the narcissist is going to be spreading some
00:14:46
false and exaggerated and inaccurate information about you
00:14:49
to friends and family or acquaintances.
00:14:51
This could happen in a workplace, and this usually
00:14:55
happens after the relationship has either ended or there's been
00:14:59
some big confrontation, or maybe you have tried to leave
00:15:03
the relationship or tried to end the relationship.
00:15:05
The narcissist is going to then try to discredit you and gain
00:15:10
the sympathy of other people again, acting like the victim,
00:15:14
to control the narrative, to make it look like they're the
00:15:18
ones who are being hurt by you, that they're the ones who are
00:15:24
the victims in this, that they did nothing wrong, that they are
00:15:29
the model citizen, the model partner, the model father, the
00:15:33
model employee.
00:15:34
So when smear campaigns happen and when there is this addition
00:15:39
of the flying monkeys to carry out the smear campaign, it just
00:15:43
compounds the abuse and then ultimately, the trauma that you
00:15:48
might experience from this narcissistic relationship.
00:15:52
It could leave you feeling like you don't know who to trust,
00:15:56
because these flying monkeys that the narcissist is going to
00:15:59
bring in are oftentimes the people that are potentially
00:16:02
closest to you, or it might be the spouse of someone very close
00:16:07
to you.
00:16:07
They find another way to infiltrate your inner circle
00:16:11
through their own relationships or through people that are maybe
00:16:14
once removed but close enough that it's going to get back to
00:16:18
you or that it's going to isolate you away from the people
00:16:21
that are closest to you.
00:16:22
And then, of course, the whole abuse cycle in general is a
00:16:27
manipulation in and of itself.
00:16:28
The love bombing that happens during the idealization phase is
00:16:32
manipulative.
00:16:33
The devaluation phase is manipulative because you're
00:16:37
being criticized and belittled and undermined, and so that
00:16:41
cycle of like the love bombing or idealization and the
00:16:45
devaluation is a cycle that just continues where you become
00:16:50
hopeful for the return of the affection to partner that you
00:16:53
once knew.
00:16:53
That's also manipulation.
00:16:55
So I hope that this helps bring a little bit of awareness
00:16:59
around some of the tactics that a narcissist uses, so that you
00:17:03
can be more aware of when it's happening and how to get the
00:17:08
support that you need.
00:17:10
Sometimes, when we start to experience, especially like that
00:17:13
smear campaign and the flying monkeys and all of that, it does
00:17:17
cause us to isolate.
00:17:18
So a lot of these are kind of go hand in hand.
00:17:21
If the narcissist is engaging in a smear campaign and they are
00:17:25
enlisting flying monkeys and they are using isolation tactic
00:17:30
on top of it, or they're involving a third party
00:17:33
specifically over and over again , right that triangulation to
00:17:36
drive that wedge.
00:17:37
Then the trauma that we can experience from that level of
00:17:42
abuse, when it is coming at us from so many different angles,
00:17:46
can cause a deep sense of loss, a loss of trust in others, in
00:17:54
ourselves, and it can be really damaging to our self worth, to
00:17:59
our sense of love ability.
00:18:00
Our circle of supportive relationships of our network
00:18:05
continues to grow smaller and smaller and smaller.
00:18:09
So it's really important to be aware of these things so that
00:18:12
you're not left struggling alone , so that you can set boundaries
00:18:17
in your relationships, so that you can have the confidence and
00:18:22
the courage to have assertive conversations with people who
00:18:27
begin to engage in this type of manipulation right, and it's not
00:18:31
even that they're manipulative, they're being manipulated to
00:18:35
then act in the way in which they are towards you, and it's
00:18:38
happening below their level of awareness as well.
00:18:40
So you know, maybe at some point, once some distance and
00:18:45
time has gone by, maybe you can repair those relationships with
00:18:47
that person If they are able to recognize that they were also
00:18:52
being manipulated, and having compassion for them as well.
00:18:55
And I know that that might seem really hard, especially if you
00:18:59
are feeling really hurt.
00:19:00
It can be very hard because most likely you're going to feel
00:19:04
very angry about what has happened and angry that this
00:19:09
person that you thought knew you so well or that loved you so
00:19:13
much, or that has been a part of your life for so long and knows
00:19:16
you almost better than most other people in your life.
00:19:19
It can be really disappointing when they start to believe the
00:19:23
lies that the narcissist is feeding them.
00:19:26
So, understanding that that doesn't mean you have to keep
00:19:29
that person in your life.
00:19:30
You can need to maybe set some boundaries with those people
00:19:33
that are being manipulated and not sharing with them personal
00:19:38
or vulnerable information that you know is going to likely get
00:19:41
back to the narcissist, who's then going to use that
00:19:43
information against you and seeking out healthy
00:19:47
relationships with people who the narcissist is not going to
00:19:52
also manipulate and separate and try to put a wedge between you
00:19:56
and them.
00:19:56
So sometimes it could be that you're just relying mostly on
00:20:00
professional relationships.
00:20:01
Right, you're a therapist, maybe a coach, maybe you come
00:20:04
into a community or group of women who understand this.
00:20:08
Come join us and strong her.
00:20:10
I don't want to sound like I'm plugging in a marketing all the
00:20:14
time.
00:20:14
But it's a great place to come and be and be surrounded by
00:20:18
people who the narcissist doesn't know.
00:20:20
So the narcissist cannot come between you and the other women
00:20:25
in the group that are going to be supportive for you, that are
00:20:29
going to be able to provide you with validation for what you're
00:20:31
experiencing and who likely have also experienced this and
00:20:36
understand it and get it and know how isolating and lonely it
00:20:41
can feel.
00:20:43
So with that everyone I hope that helps until next week Be
00:20:46
well.
00:20:46
If you're hearing this message, that means you've listened all
00:20:50
the way to the end, and for that I am truly grateful.
00:20:53
If you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable, would you
00:20:56
mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts
00:20:59
and sharing it with others?
00:21:00
If you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or
00:21:03
human design reading, you can find me on my website or on
00:21:06
social media.
00:21:06
Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future
00:21:10
episode, please DM me.
00:21:11
Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Stepping
00:21:15
into Meaningful Relationships.